Usually, everyone sees me as this bright, energetic, happy, busy person, always excited to work and help out any way I can. Sometimes, I can even see how they think that. Most times, though, I wonder where they come up with that impression; it just feels like a character I'm playing to hide the real me, the side I never want them to see.
I feel like I'm fighting really hard to find that happy girl nowadays. I've been looking at a picture from when I was about 1 year old and I just can't fathom that happy child, probably laughing because her Papa was making a goofy face behind the cameraman the way he always does. She didn't worry about grades or friends or driving or work or stress or sleep or eating right or finding love or money or debt or any of the things that invade my psyche on a daily basis.
I know part of the current problem is that I feel lonely. I see all of my friends with their groups and their inside jokes and feel so far removed that I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel like an outsider looking in the window of a really great party where everyone speaks a different language from me. I know that all I want is to feel like I belong, but I feel like I'm lacking something in that particular department. Maybe it's my sense of humor, maybe it's my laugh, maybe it's my lagging social skills, maybe it's my tendency to sit and listen when my friends talk and not feel like I can interject with my own opinions and have them be taken as seriously as the conversation was before I opened my mouth. Of course, I could just be flipping out over nothing at all.
There are some days when I long for the simplicity of life the way it used to be, before I wanted to grow up to be a perfectionist.
"Maybe I need to see the daylight/ Leave behind the half-life/ Don't you see I'm breaking down?/ Oh lately, something here don't feel right./ This is just a half life./ Is there really no escape,/ No escape from time of any kind?"
