Leaving On A Jet Plane

Well, today I leave the country for 4 months.

It's kind of funny, actually. This semester abroad is something I've wanted to do since I was 17, and now it's finally here, so part of me is so excited that it barely let me sleep at all the past two days. The other part wants to throw up from nerves.

I know I really should be fine on this trip. The plane leaves tonight and gets there tomorrow morning. My family threw me a really lovely dinner and going away party (Mum wanted to call it my 'Last Supper', but I vehemently objected, settling instead for 'A Long Expected Party'). I couldn't be more thrilled with what I got, including a rather angry looking 'Angry Birds' sleep mask, a travel alarm with an alarm tone that gets louder (thank you Dad!), a pair of handmade Dobby Socks, and a travel altar.

I still say I have the best family in the world.

I was talking last week about my anxieties to Mum, and she said I ought to think about Rose Tyler and do a comparison for my blog. I thought it was a fantastic idea... and then didn't write anything. I couldn't come up with just the right song, so I figured "What the Hell" and put it in with this entry.

Rose does think twice about travelling with the Doctor, but when she finally decides to follow him, she has nothing packed, no money but what's in her wallet and only the clothes on her back. She had serious guts to follow and not look back. I kind of want to emulate her in this respect because I can't seem to shake my anxiety no matter how hard I try.

I know it will all go away in good time, and soon I'll laugh at how nervous I was/am, but I'm about to say goodbye for 4 entire months; I've never been away from home or from my family for that long. Maybe it's a good thing, an experience to push me out the door and help me to grow up... or perhaps it's just me getting in my own way,.

I'm going to England. I'm going for 4 months. I'm turning 21 in 25 days (and YES I know I can drink over there already, don't say it), and I'm going to grow up.

"Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again."

Shake it Out

Today has been, for lack of a better word, interesting.

Although, enlightening and revealing are probably better terms.

I'm sitting in the kitchen in dry clothes, wet hair dripping on my shoulders, listening to Florence + The Machine on repeat, eating a truly delicious piece of cake and grinning ear to ear. Those who've seen me recently can tell you that this has not been my normal expression. Sure I've smiled, but it hasn't really reached my eyes, you know? It's that smile, the one you use to say everything is fine when it's far from fine.

I will say this for myself though: I've been lost.

It's going to sound terribly dramatic and sappy and poetic, but I've been wandering through the paths in my mind, searching for the way out of the Winterlands. I've tried to lose myself in food and isolation and television, and they do work for a time, but once they're done, I'm just reminded of why I went to them in the first place.

This is the first time since the beginning of May that I've felt this liberated, this free...the first time since getting my report card for the Spring Semester.

Now, most people would say that all A's and one B- is a fantastic report card...but not for me it isn't, not when all I've received for 3 straight semesters are A's and A-'s. This grading period broke my streak and dropped my GPA, and while I am perfectly aware of my friends who struggle with their grades, this one really hit me where it hurt.

I'm hard on myself. Everyone who knows me can tell you that. My Dad says on a regular basis that he's never seen anyone beat up on themselves as much as I do. I'm very...strict with myself in that I hold myself to very high standards in academics. For me, anything less than an A is tantamount to failure.

Yeah, I'm a bit nuts.

Anyhow, I went in a bit of a downward spiral, landing myself back in therapy a month later. I'm not ashamed to admit that I went back because I'm doing much better. I've rediscovered writing recently, and I now write a little bit everyday of this and that, mostly fantasy and imaginings and things, but I'm getting better. I'm trying new things, hanging out with new friends (meeting my Braintwin (love you dear)), and I'm finally starting to confront something about myself that terrifies me.

My Shadow Side.

Everyone has one. Twin's is very developed and fully embraced, and believe you me: she can be terrifying when she wants to be. I've never thought of half the stuff she has, and when we're talking and making stuff up, she can certainly surprise me while I, on the other hand, my Shadow Side contains all of my anger, my fear, my insecurities, and even harder...the darkest part of me that had me on the edge of suicide twice in the last eight months.

I think it's safe to say that I really don't like my Shadow Side, but the more I try to ignore it, the stronger it gets...think I'll call that "The Monster Under the Bed" Effect. The more you try to ignore it or pretend it doesn't exist, the stronger it grows. The Shadow Side feeds off fear, and i have plenty of it.

Writing, in some ways, is therapeutic. (Don't tell my Mum I just said that. She'll say she told me so). It's a way to work through my feelings and emotions safely. I don't have to unload them on anyone else, and writing every single day for the past 4 months has done wonders for my skill, confidence, and typing speed...for the first time in my life, I can look around the room and type. I don't have to stare at the keys all the time anymore!

Anyway, after all of that, to return to the whole reason I sat down to write this entry today, I'm sitting for this wonderful dog who likes to play outside. I don't. I really hate being outdoors, preferring the inside and a book and a mug of tea (ever so British of me). But today, I was gone for several hours and came back and took her outside to throw a tennis ball, and I had to water the flowers. So, I did, and then I remembered what the owners said about her loving water. What ensued was half an hour of soaking the dog several times, watching her try and catch the water in her mouth/try to eat the stream, and me giggling and shrieking with laughter.

I'm sure my family is going: okay, who are you and what have you done with our daughter.

I'm still here. I just let the child that never was out to play and had a freaking blast. And this will knock their socks off: I soaked myself.

I haven't played with a water hose in years, so it took a few minutes of experimenting with my finger in the stream to figure out what pressures caused what reactions, but soon I was a natural, creating different types of water spray patterns and such. And it's fairly warm out today, so I stuck the hose up above my head and let the thin spray pour down on me.

It was such a liberating feeling. I absolutely hate getting wet with my clothes on, but I did it today. I let the sun pour down with the water, watched the rainbows form in the spray, and let myself actually live for thirty minutes.

I chose the title for today because I was singing this song while I was outside, dancing in the grass, giggling like a four-year-old, playing with the dog, and shaking out the devils in me to mix and mingle with the rest of my mind for the first time in my life.

On my way inside to change from my completely soaked through clothes, I came up with this little mantra:

Guide me through the trials and tasks, and help me smile if I finish last. Make my days of joy and laughter, fill my life with endless rapture.

The only way to survive and be a whole person is to embrace the shadow side and everything that comes with it, and when I asked myself if I were ready to work to become a real girl once and for all, I only had three words to say.

Bring. It. On.

"Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around

And our love is pastured such a mournful sound

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground

So I like to keep my issues strong

But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart

So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

Cause I like to keep my issues strong

It's always darkest before the dawn

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/f/florence_and_the_machine/shake_it_out.html ]

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh woah

And given half the chance would I take any of it back

It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone

It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah... 

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't

So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope

And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope

It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat

Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh woah"