I can finally say it out loud: I changed my major.
I've been sitting on this decision since the 5th of April, debating whether or not to follow through with it, and I finally filled out the paperwork a week ago today. I'm now a Secondary Education English Major with a Minor in theater.
I haven't really told my friends yet; only a few of them know because I asked them for advice while trying to make up my mind about the whole situation. I also refused to tell everyone until I spoke with my acting professor and mentor. It only felt right that she should really be the first one to know.
I won't deny that I was scared to talk to her. I respect and love her and hold her in the highest regard, but I was so worried that she would be disappointed with me. I don't do well confronting authority figures, especially when I'm telling them something really difficult. Hell, I can barely stand up to my mom to tell her I disagree about something. This was, this was infinitely harder because I felt her opinion of me hung in the balance. I know it really shouldn't matter what other people think, but I really value her opinion.
She was really supportive of my choice; now, I could tell she was worried that I was making this decision based on my issues in Directing, but that's just the icing on the cake. Honestly, little thoughts of this decision have been getting more and more vocal since my breakdown in November. It just took until now for my brain to catch up. I've been saying for ages that I want to teach High School English and act on the weekends; I guess I just wasn't ready to let those thoughts in completely.
This is the first really big decision I've made for myself, and hopefully it'll be the first of many more.
Now, yesterday sucked royally, especially since I got severely reprimanded in both of my classes. Now, since the 5th and I hit my transformation/revelation, I've been better, happier than I've been since I was three years old. This past week, with the stress of knowing I had to tell my acting professor on top of the nightmare that was Directing, it's the closest I've been to those old feelings since the beginning of the month, and it was terrifying. I thought I was going to relapse, that I wouldn't even make it three weeks before reverting to my old habits, but on the way to my car, something fantastic happened.
I was in a right state after Directing and was talking out the inner monologue because it helps me sort out y thoughts. When the words, "I'm the biggest **** up in the world. I can't believe how much of a **** up I am," I stopped, I literally stopped in my tracks. Where had those thoughts come from? Without thinking, I shot back, "Get the hell out of my head! I don't need you anymore. That's not true." And the thoughts went away. Now, I felt like I'd been run over by a car the rest of the day, but there was something very empowering about telling the nasty voices in my head to stuff it and having it actually work.
I've been paying attention to how I feel lately, mostly to make sure I don't relapse into my old behavior. With this revelation came the feeling that my heart was whole for the first time I can remember. I no longer eat because I'm upset as dinner proved last night, and my chest doesn't feel empty anymore. I know things are changing, and instead of running from the change, I'm embracing it. I'm growing up.
Things are getting better.
"It's getting better all the time."
