Find Yourself

Do you ever feel so entirely lost and adrift in your life that you wish everything would just disappear, and when it finally does, you regret ever having the thought in the first place?

I have. I do.

I feel awash in a sea of everything today. I'm sure part of it is that I'm home/at school/dog-sitting while my family is in Disney for the NPHS music trip. Grrrrrrrrrrr. I know I volunteered to help out while they are gone and I have class and I have work and I have rehearsal, but seriously? Disney? Plus, I get daily texts as to which park they are going to each day. Seriously? Seriously!

Another part of the problem is that I'm crafting for acting this week, as always. For some reason, my crafting always manages to get me thinking about it ALL THE TIME, especially with relationship crafting. That's always fun (read w/sarcasm). I'd say what my situation is, but it has to remain secret until Thursday. And I'm not just crafting for class, I'm also crafting for my play, Dog Sees God. I'm playing Lucy Van Pelt as a teenager, and I have two full months of events to craft that involve only one other character in the play: Linus, and I only see him twice in those two months (only in the play we are Van and Van's Sister as it is an unauthorized parody of The Peanuts characters). You'll have to come see it if you want to know why I'm thinking so hard about it, although I will say this: I learned how to knit for this part. (May 4-7 at FDU-Madison).

But I'm not just thinking about the imaginary world, I'm also thinking about the real world. Crafting just gets the storytelling juices flowing, and before I know it, I'm telling all sorts of ridiculous stories about all kinds of people, either invented or real.

So I keep searching. I keep hoping on some level that everything will work out the way it is supposed to, even when I am impatient or sick of hearing the same answer for the millionth time. It seems to be a non sequitur that I seem to be this intelligent, smart, (hopefully) funny, personable individual, yet can't seem to date anyone, that and the fact that it is nearly impossible for me to actually get out two comprehensible words around a guy I like. After 19 years of being single, it gets really freaking ridiculous. And EVERYBODY says, "You'll find the right person, just give it time." That is probably the biggest cop-out answer ever invented, nor does it do anything to lift the spirits. Especially if you have a decidedly clear talent for crushing on just about every single gay man in a 5 mile radius. Mostly, it's because I just can't tell most of the time (which sucks by the way), but it's also because more often than not, they are the guys who are into music and theater, and I don't see them as intimidating. At least, that's how I've rationalized the entire situation.

Another frequent result of my crushes (if th guy isn't gay) is that he is simply not interested like that and just wants to be friends. I'd rather set myself on fire and jump off a bridge than to hear, "I just want to be friends" one more time. Eventually, I figure out how to move forward, but those relationships always feel a bit awkward afterwards. Hence, I rarely admit to guys that I have a crush on them. I keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, unless I just desperately need to confide in a friend because the thoughts are threatening to rip me apart.

Guess I just needed to vent a bit. I dunno. Part of me feels like this will never change while the other part is strangely optimistic that things will change. I'm not sure what to believe anymore. I sometimes wonder if my crafting is the only way I will see such relationships.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu!