Would I Lie to You?

So, in Basic Acting I, one of the things we have to work on are our resistance walls. These are areas of our emotions or actions that we have difficulty dealing with. For me, I have a great deal of resistance around

• Getting angry
• Exploring sensuality
• Expressing the truth
• Taking a risk that makes me vulnerable to ridicule/looking foolish/criticism

and those are just a few.

Our assignment for this week was a crafted party. We had to meet with all of our classmates and craft (create) relationships. They had to be meaningful and strong. I was acquaintances with a few, best friends with others, mortal enemies of one, and completely in love with the last. In addition to our crafting, we had to have a "life at the party," an activity or goal for something to happen or for us to do while there. Mine was telling the person I was in love with how I felt. Did I mention that it was an engagement part for two of our classmates? (Remember, this is ALL crafted).

So, I spent several of the first minutes at the party feeling like I was about to blow chunks. All I could think about was how nervous I was and how much the thought of confessing my love terrified me. I finally managed to confront my resistance and push through it (telling him how I felt and facing the consequences), resulting in a great deal of tears before I could regain control. I must say though, I'm very proud of myself for feeling instead of shutting down as is my want.

The first part was over an hour long, but the kicker came when our professor told us to forget everything that had happened, go back to our initial crafting, and do the party again! We did, and it certainly went differently. Partway through, our teacher turned out the lights which would have been fine if she also hadn't taken big heavy things and hit the walls and doors, creating a booming sound, like something was trying to get in. My grasp on the imaginary world slipped as my personal terror of the dark took hold, my brain supplying frightening images of irrational fears. I was forced to remove myself from the final few moments of the exercise in order to regain my feelings of safety and of reality.

I probably work harder for this class than any other. It feels great to succeed, but the process itself is terrifying. I took some huge risks today, feeling very much the way I do when I perform: nervous, slightly ill, but energized and very much alive. That balance can be the very difference between success and failure, even when it scares the pants off of me. I hope to be able to reach the point where I'm not afraid to take risks but am afraid to let them go by.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu!