Hosanna

It's Holy Week. Again. And it's late this year. And it's the same week as Passover, but I think it happens that often. I can't remember.

Every year, we (my family and I) listen to "Jesus Christ Superstar" leading up to Good Friday and Easter. Sometimes I listen to "Godspell" as well. I feel they really help set the mood for the week. My family, choir director, and a bunch of my friends agree. Besides, the week is hard enough already. A bit of music helps it to not be quite so depressing.

I paid attention to the Passion Reading in church for the first time since my Dad read the part of Jesus may years ago. However, I'm pretty sure this is my first time truly "grokking" the entire story. For some reason, the "audience participation" portion of the Passion struck my differently this year than it has before; I found myself feeling depressed and despondent. I didn't want to join in with "Let him be Crucified," and just saying the words made me feel bad about being a human being. I felt so sorry for Jesus.

I don't think I ever thought I would say that.

I don't consider myself truly religious. I'm Episcopalian by attendance (and employment), officially undecided by choice, and would probably consider Music to be my true religion if I had to pick something. I have more out-of-body experiences or moments where my soul feels completely at peace while singing than while doing anything else. I haven't really found solace in religion since I was 8 years old and decided that I was tired of hearing the same old story over and over and over and over again. The image of an old guy on a throne of clouds just out of sight in the sky or the whole idea that we humans are guilty just by existing or that a woman is blamed for Original Sin (NOT FAIR) no longer held any meaning to significance for me. I suppose I was officially disillusioned from religion before I'd been on the Earth for a decade.

We left the church I had attended for 3-4 years soon after. It was the first church choir I sang in, and as it coincided with my early piano lessons, it helped reinforce my lessons in basic musicianship and in reading music. I loved the game where our choir director would play through the hymn and we had to tell him where he was when he stopped playing. I had my first vocal solo in that choir. I think it was during communion if I'm remembering it right. I was 6, maybe 7. That time is very difficult for me to remember.

We took a few years off from church before Dad got a summer job at the next one we attended. As it turned out, I had friends there already from NJYC and from other activities, so at least I wasn't a complete loner. The choir there was mush smaller than the one I was in before. My two friends and I were the oldest members of the children's choir (made up of 10 people or less on a good day, 3 or 4 on a low attendance day), and after awhile, I began singing in the adult choir. Trouble was, I didn't like rehearsing for so long after finishing a church service. I'd rather hang out with my friends.

Then, while we were slowly fading from the second church for a variety of reasons, we stumbled upon our current church. Our current choir director was in charge of teaching the 2008 September Song music to the children's choir. My brother and I were in the group. After one of the rehearsals, she asked if I would consider auditioning for Harmonium. My dad and I both did and got in. We've been in the group since, and we've been joined by my mom and one of my brothers. The other brother will be old enough very, very soon.

My youngest brother joined the school choir and my older younger brother joined the teen boy group at church. I avoided going to church from a month, attending the St. Francis Sunday Service in October as my first service there.

I had never seen such a large children's choir at church. Ever. In my life.

There must have been between 40 and 60 kids walking up to the choir stalls that morning, all between the ages of 4 and 18. Mom had to remind me to stop staring and close my mouth. Then they began singing. I was stunned. Thisdirector was able to get such an amazing sound from volunteers?!?!?!?!?!

She asked me if I wanted to sing the All Saints Sunday concert as we were doing the Rutter Requiem (which is my favorite) and which we were also preparing in Harmonium to sing at Carnegie Hall in March of the following year (which was AMAZING). I agreed and began attending Friday rehearsals. After the concert, I didn't leave the church. I stuck around and became an official choir member. It has been the most unique church choir experience I've had by far. Every Friday, we arrive to rehearsal for snack prior to singing. The choir is divided into groups based on grade, and there is an overlap in time with the groups. You can always tell when it's been a long week and we are tired because we forget to be quiet, although, come to think of it, that is most weeks. However, we quickly remember when we see our choir director go to whistle. That could quiet any group in less than a second.

Since then, I've gone through choir training, RSCM training, exponentially improved my musicianship (but I really have Harmonium to thank for that part), boosted my musical confidence, become a choir leader, and have gotten myself employed at church teaching the 3-7 year old children music on Fridays.

Every week we sing a variety of music with our choir that, on a low attendance Sunday, outnumbers the congregation.. It has taken me 2 and a half years to come to terms with the fact that I don't believe the words I am singing, but that I am singing as a way to give back to the community and that it doesn't matter whether or not I believe it as long as I am helping make beautiful music. I used to be very resentful that I had gotten roped into another church, but as I began to learn from my choir director, got to know the choristers and the parents, and now have my own group of choristers, I find that I want to go to rehearsals. I've even started going to the Thursday night adult rehearsals at the beginning of Lent this year.

You used to have to drag me to choir, and now, I get there at least 10-20 minutes before my director. I find myself cleaning the choir room after rehearsals, putting away the folders of the kids who don't show up on Sundays, or, like this past Palm Sunday, volunteering to sing an extra service to make sure the voice part balance is there. For the first time in my life, I want to be at church, but I still don't totally believe everything that is said or taught. Sometimes, my parents can explain things in a way that makes more sense to me and to my own beliefs about the universe, but when I actually start paying attention in the service and realize just how awful the week leading up to Easter was for Jesus, more so than I EVER HAVE BEFORE, it makes me wonder just how proud I should be to be a human being. As my mom stressed after the service, I should focus on the fact that he forgave those who had wronged him, but it didn't totally put my conscience at ease.

I'm not sure what I believe, but I know my beliefs are a compilation of a whole bunch of religions and philosophies. I figure that as long as I keep asking questions and exploring, I'll figure it out, but that was the whole reason I refused to get confirmed in the Christian Faith. I've faced subtle pressure from some of my peers and from some of the clergy at churches since I turned 13, but

1. I think 13 is way too young to commit to a single religion as the true faith. I didn't have nearly enough experience in life and religion to make that choice then. At 19, I still don't think I have enough knowledge or experience.
2. I couldn't say what I had to for confirmation and truly believe it in my heart. I did not want to lie in front of the bishop. Geez.

And now I'm back in the throws of Holy Week, at church Palm Sunday, Tuesday for the Easter Dress with Brass, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Saturday for the Easter Vigil, and Easter Sunday. Here goes nothing.

Hosanna/ Hey Sanna Sanna Sanna Hosanna /Hey Sanna Hosanna/ Hey JC, JC won't you smile at me?/ Sanna Hosanna/ Hey Superstar